When the Boxing Gloves Go On!

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Eph. 4:26

Most of the time things are pretty calm and congenial around our house. Currently there are four adults living in our home and we cohabitate very well. We’ve always had a lot of guests through our house: friends, missionaries, family, friends of friends and some others. You could say the house is fairly busy and full a lot of the time. The two constants over the years are me and my husband, Bob. Yup, for 38 years it’s been Bob and Bobbie, three of those years dating and 35 as a married couple. Like I said, most of the time, things are pretty calm and congenial around our house.

There are, however, times when things are not so calm and peaceful. When you share your life with the same person for almost 40 years there are bound to be some conflicts. As I’ve always said, if a couple never argues, or disagrees, then chances are one or the other is always giving way. I think some of the most important moments in life occur during conflict AND during resolution. I know that how Bob and I act and react during conflicts has changed over the years. We certainly recognize the “danger” signs earlier when one or the other of us is unhappy, or about to open dialogue on an issue that has been boiling on the back burning. I’d like to think that we’ve learned a few things about conflict and conflict resolution during our years together. We still have our disagreements, but now that we’re older, we duke it out a little more fairly than we once did, enter into conflicts less often and with less anger, and walk away feeling better, faster than in years past.

Because I’m not an expert on conflict resolution, I won’t try to advise in that area; however, I have learned some interesting things while in the midst of conflict and during the subsequent resolutions. First and foremost—conflict isn’t bad! I know it’s not comfortable, enjoyable, or desirable, but when it’s all said and done, conflict can lead to some really positive outcomes. Some very important moments that matter result from conflict. I have found conflict to be cleansing when I’ve spent time holding in displeasure, disappointment, or even anger. I have found conflict to be revealing when I take the time to listen and hear the heart and hurt of another. I have found conflict to be a catalyst for self-discovery when I see how I act and react when the “boxing gloves” are on. Something that cleanses, brings revelation, and helps one learn more about who they are can’t be all bad. My personality is not one that naturally shies away from conflict. Like most people, however, I’d much rather not engage in it, but because of its redeeming values I’m not afraid of it. The bottom line is, conflict happens, so I have found it better to embrace it!

Of course the best part of conflict, in my opinion, is resolution. Again, I’m not an expert in this area, but I love some of the things I’ve found to be true once the battle is over. I love the moment when the issue is talked out and someone (or both someones) reaches out, sees the light, seeks forgiveness, and the weight of conflict is lifted. Sometimes this happens in a few minutes, other times the conflict is marked by several cooling off periods and a more lengthy dueling time ensues. But regardless, once the smoke has cleared there is a sweet time of drawing back together, tending to one another’s wounds and moving forward. Not often, but occasionally, resolution means agreeing to disagree—not always as sweet, but learning to compromise, to forgive sacrificially (like the Lord forgives us), and moving on are important life lessons.

When our children were younger and still in the nest, Bob and I decided that at least sometimes, it was okay to disagree, or even argue (fairly and with control) and bring a conflict to resolution in front of them. There were a couple of reasons we came to this conclusion. First of all, we wanted the girls to know that conflict, when handled right, is not to be feared. We wanted them to see that even adults make mistakes and need to seek and grant forgiveness from and to one another. Knowing the shock and dismay some of our married friends—who had NEVER seen their parents argue—experienced the first time a major conflict occurred with their partners, made us want to prepare our own children for the inevitable. Some of these couples thought conflict meant they had somehow failed and were not meant to travel on together. Most of all, we wanted our daughters to know that even though we didn’t always agree, and sometimes argued, we still loved each other. I think we met our goals during those years.

The world we live in is marked by conflict, discord, and hurt. On a smaller scale, every life is likewise marked and affected. I know I have a responsibility to use and pass on healthy conflict resolution tactics to my children and grandchildren. I want them to fight fairly, to be thoughtful with their words and actions in the midst of their conflicts, to learn compromise, and to be quick to ask for and to grant forgiveness. Those are hard lessons. I’m STILL learning how to consistently fight fairly. But one thing I do know: conflict happens, so I’m sure to get plenty of practice in the years ahead.

Hoping your battles are few and your outcomes are cleansing, revealing, and enlightening. Until next time, off to enjoy my calm and congenial home . . .